What Do You ... Yahoo!?

As I found myself bored at work on this average Monday morning, I completed a routine shared daily by millions of Americans: searching the internet based on every stray thought that enters my mind. After one such thought, in a moment of truly rare hermeneutic insight, I found myself wondering, "what the hell do all these other idiots search for when they are bored out of their skulls." Well my friends, wonder no more. Here are today's top Yahoo! searches (with my my annotation, of course) ...

1. Susan Boyle
Why won't she go away? This ugly duckling to swan story is a flavour of the week (that taste, being one identical to fish and chips that have sat in the sun for several hours) that should have expired 2 moths ago.

2. Dolly Parton
If Frankenstein and Pamela Anderson had an illegitimate love-child it would be Dolly Parton. Okay, I see why people would search that.

3. Children's Books
See spot run. Run spot run. Considering that this is the level most American's read at, I get this one too.

4. Healthy Recipes
Wait, you mean my salad from McDonald's isn't healthy? Chicken nuggets too? What the fuck?!

5. Keanu Reeves
Definitely didn't see this coming. Do people pay attention to his abysmal acting career? Are they waiting in anticipation for his next "film" so they can fight the urge to gouge out their eyes with a spoon before hurling themselves off a balcony? Unless they are actually searching him to learn the mystique of his kung fu methods, then I'm at a total loss.

6. Alex Rodriguez
Dear lovers of a good clown, look no further. Every time he walks into the batters box he makes my salary ... for the year. See how many times he has to blink/piss before he earns yours.

7. Celebrity Baby Names
Do you really need to look this up? Isn't it obvious? If you want to name your kid after a celebrity you should first read Michael Jackson's book, "How to Hold a Blanket." If, after doing so, you still want to name your baby after someone famous then use this catch-all for baby bambino's name: The Artist Formerly Known As The E-Trade Baby. It's gender neutral, is doubly famous, and completely unique. What's not to love?

8. Weekend Getaways
Obviously these soccer-moms who spend their day trolling Yahoo! are the ones not invited to the Tupperware parties. The other moms already know their weekend destination - meeting Mary Jane, riding a white horse, or chasing dragons.

9. Pope Benedict XVI
Really people are just looking for his web page and FAQ section. Most common question?

Q: Why is the Popemobile a bullet-proof Mercedes Bens?
A: A Thugz gotta roll on dubs. Alms to burn. Plus, bitches be tryin' to cap a Gangsta.

10. Hairstyles
Thank God. I thought we were going to round out the top ten with the economy or Iraq.