I wish I were an Oscar Mayer Wiener

The unthinkable has happened. The Oscar Mayer Wienermobile has crashed. Too bad it wasn't into the Popemobile.

Do you think this thing has a weenie whistle instead of a horn?

Did the people here have enough time to hear the shrill sound of impending doom?

Are hot dog prices going to go up because of an inevitable lawsuit?

All your questions answered here.

Two Words: Roller Babies

Don't Let Him Get Away!

Chug-a-lug-a-lug 5 miles an hour... on my international harvester

Drunk Badgers Beware!

Germany just sounds better.

AGUUUUSTUS!!! (AKA... death by chocolate)

This really happened? As in real life?

Oh the old airbag in the couch trick...

Seen it a million times...

           ....still incredible

S-MARTketing

A lot of people don't know how to market effectively. They market themselves as what want to be rather than what they really are. The geniuses over at Universal know they may not win any Oscars - and they're not pretending to. What they do have? Megan Fox. Market that! Now, just read that tag-line; a thing of beauty...

Laugh Your Way To Hell

Go Ahead. Simply the most amazing album covers you'll ever see. 41 is the best.

Think About This Next Time You're Going to Be a Cheapskate

Johnny Depp is a lot of things ... most notably one of our favorite clowns.

One thing he is not? A cheap bastard like the rest of us.

Get The Cheese!

More Random Shit

Someone needs a translator...


Not gonna lie, there's probably one of these in your bed right now.


These are pretty cool


Sleepwalking is clownish. And I do it all the time.


Aren't spoilers used to help give cars traction on the road at high speeds. Something tells me that these guys aren't getting their money's worth out of these.


These are completely necessary


Food art

Incredible Photo IDs

Here are some great photo IDs

and

here are some great yearbook pics

Hell, let's throw in some mugshots too.

10 of The Coolest Natural Phenomena

I really want to see the Fire Whirls

Explosions and Boobs

It's the site you've all been waiting for.

Daily Fact(s)

Really strange laws.

It Just Gets Better and Better For This D-Bag

Ryan Leaf = Superclown

A shoe-in for Clown Hall of Fame.

Crazy Shit from 9/11

Follow the steps below this is pretty creepy.

1) New York City has 11 letters

2) Afghanistan has 11 letters.

3) Ramsin Yuseb (The terrorist who threatened to destroy the Twin

Towers in 1993) has 11 letters.

4) George W Bush has 11 letters.

This could be a mere coincidence, but this gets more interesting:

1) New York is the 11th state.

2) The first plane crashing against the Twin Towers was flight

number 11.

3) Flight 11 was carrying 92 passengers. 9 + 2 = 11

4) Flight 77 which also hit Twin Towers, was carrying 65 passengers.

6+5 = 11

5) The tragedy was on September 11, or 9/11 as it is now known. 9 +

1+ 1 = 11

6) The date is equal to the US emergency services telephone number

911.

9 + 1 + 1 = 11.

Sheer coincidence..?! Read on and make up your own mind:

1) The total number of victims inside all the hi-jacked planes was

254. 2 + 5 + 4 = 11.

2) September 11 is day number 254 of the calendar year.

Again 2 + 5 + 4 = 11.

3) The Madrid bombing took place on 3/11/2004. 3 + 1 + 1 + 2 + 4 = 11.

4) The tragedy of Madrid happened 911 days after the Twin Towers

incident.

Now this is where things get totally eerie:

The most recognised symbol for the US, after the Stars & Stripes,

is the Eagle. The following verse is taken from the Quran, the

Islamic holy book:

"For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome

Eagle. he wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of

Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still

more rejoiced: for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of

Allah and there was peace."

That verse is number 9.11 of the Quran.

Still uncovinced about all of this..?! Try this and see how you

feel afterwards, it made my hair stand on end:

Open Microsoft Word and do the following:

1. Type in capitals Q33 NY. This is the flight number of the first

plane to hit one of the Twin Towers.

2. Highlight the Q33 NY.

3. Change the font size to 48.

4. Change the actual font to the WINGDINGS

How Do You Like Your Venison?

Ummm...... grilled please!

Engravers are idiots

A funny article about all the mistakes on the Stanley Cup.

My favorite is the discussed at the bottom (the Stanley Cup Champ Mapleleafs in 1944-45). Any Seinfeld fan will appreciate it.

5/21/09 - Today's Daily Fact

In 30 minutes, the average person's body will have given off enough combined heat to bring a half gallon of water to boil.

- Courtesy of Listverse.com

5/20/09 - Today's Daily Fact

Foreskin, roughly the size of a postage stamp would take only 21 days to grow skin that could cover three (3) basketball courts. Thanks to science the laboratory-grown skin is most commonly used in treating burn patients.

- Courtesy of Listverse.com

So unless you want penis skin covering you, DO NOT PLAY WITH FIRE!

Worst Tattoos

Believe it or not this artistic masterpiece did not make it onto this list. Luckily there are many lists out there that catalogue horrific body art, but this one contained some of the most grotesque tattoos I've seen. Whether you think tattoos are clownish or awesome, we can all agree that the individuals pictured here are huge clowns/tools who will have to pretend that they don't regret the twin penis towers on their back for the next 30yrs+.

Never mind how these people got these tattoo ideas in their heads, how did they describe their ill-conceived, retarded brain child?

"Um, yeah I want it to look like there's a cow shitting out of my stomach." OK, I guess that one was pretty straightforward.

"Ray Romano won't return my fan mail. How can I tastefully express my disdain for him in an irretractable manner?"

And what is going on in the tattoo artist's head when some of these individuals describe their ideas? As a creator of body art, do you recognize a tool when you see one (see Mr. Cool Ice)? Have you become desensitized after such over-exposure? Maybe it is within the paramaters of professionalism to act like every idiotic idea some jackass comes up with is a great one to have permanently put on their body. I'd like to think that if someone walked into a tattoo shop and said "I'd like a mural of two mermen making out, with one giving a reach-around to a randomly floating penis, against an ocean backround. Oh and tastefully frame it with two ejaculating penii," the artist would do the courtesy of letting the customer sleep on the idea to be sure. Or just kick him in the merman and throw him out.

4 Guys, One Cup

I'm not sure if these guys are total clowns or total heroes. Your call. No doubt the music is highly epic, however.

The Caption Says It All

"This is the only way to react when the other team scores an own-goal."

By the way, the picture to the right has nothing to do with this post, it's just a ridiculous photo.

Russian Star Wars Kid

Words cannot properly describe this.

That seems to happen quite a lot with my posts.

This makes so much sense!

Seriously guys, it's not like I go around saying that I'm 2 3 years old. I'm 23. Huge difference.

Here's a prime example of doing retarded things because your skills on the field are equal to that of Christopher Reeves (too soon?)


Daily Clown: Doing whatever you can to stay in the spotlight.

The Longest List

The Longest List is the Longest List of the Longest Things at the Longest Domain Name on The Internet.


Now all in one convenient place!

Kool-Aid

Everything you need to know about Kool-Aid.

Still the best afternoon snack ever.

1 dry Kool-Aid packet

1 cup Sugar

Mix, enjoy ensuing diabetic shock.


And yes, I went through a period of eating that everyday.

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus

Yea, no joke. That's the best name they could come up with. (above is an accurate depiction of the action scenes in the movie, high quality stuff).

And you know it's incredible when it stars 80s teenie bopper Deborah Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas.

Anyways, does anyone here watch the SciFi channel for movies. They are incredible. (Incredible = incredibly shitty).

I happened to switch over to the SciFi channel one night to catch the ending of what could only be a sorry attempt to jump onto the coattails of the Anaconda and Lake Placid movies. It starred some woman who shouldn't be acting and one HUGE Alligator (maybe crocodile, Mlauw, help me on this one).

So, like I said, this was the end of the movie and the actress was stuck on a tiny raft in the middle of a swamp. To her horror, she notices that not only is this gigantic pissed off alligator is swimming her way, but the swamp is being filled up by huge barrels of gasoline. She quickly remembers that she has a zippo in her pocket and trys to start it. BUT IT WON'T LIGHT!!!!

OH
MY
GOD!

Oh, there's a dude in the raft with her, but he's injured (of course), and he's struggling to start the engine (yea, there's a small trowling motor that's there to make us believe that the small 5hp motor will help speed them away from this beast).

Blah Blah Blah, you can guess what happens next. Yep, it finally lights up. We see the beast swimming towards them, weaving in and around reeds and grass and whatnot. Right when he's about to swim into some gasoline, we here quite possibly the greatest line in cinematic history.

Sauer if you're reading this, prepare to be blown away.


She takes one look at the lighter, then to the alligator and says

"Light up my life you sonofa bitch!"

and then she tosses the lighter into the swamp, and BLOWS UP the goddamned alligator. She didn't hit any barrels or anything, just the gas on the surface of the water. Oh, and not only does she and the dude not get blown up as well, they are able to start the engine, troll safely out of the swamp into some open water and proceed to fuck each other's brains out.

Wonderful.

Awkward Family Photos

This webpage was sent in courtesy of longtime clown-enjoyer, and Official Friend of the site Jon Sauer (call for membership details). I'm sure we all have a few family photos that could qualify. The best news is that is passes my company's "websense" content filter - unlike 90% of what Baumer posts -so you should be able to enjoy it at home and work.

Two Snakes, One Bowl

Sweet mother of God.

Now if you think that's scary ... check this out. Forget Snakes on a plain, try the toilet. No shit.

Playoffs? Playoffs?

Dennis Green is still probably my favorite. Mostly because the gave that goddamn game away to the Bears. They had that win.

Warning: These are REAL children

I've got a couple here and they're all equally ridiculous.

1. He's making fun of them and they are just eating it right up.

2. Not sure what church this is, but if I did that, I would probably have been kicked squarely in the teeth.

3. Wooo Praise the Lord!

4. I'm sorry, but watching this kid makes me think of this and this.

Gravity's a Bitch

This ranks up there with the jackass who ran through a 42nd floor window to "prove how strong his windows are."

Awkward Boners

...because you know you've caught one of your friends with one in class or just chilling out with the remote on their crotch (Sauer/Dean).

W.W.T(rex).D?

A little insight to this author. I first saw this video last summer, before The Daily Clown entered this world. I remember first watching this on youtube and being completely stunned. I never realized just how fucked-up a huge portion of this country is.

The following is a video that came out some time ago prior to the launch of The Creation Museum in Kentucky, a self-claimed "walk through history ... which brings the bible to life." Now, I do not mean to trash all "believers" out there. I was raised Roman Catholic. I do not consider myself a religious person. I do not believe Jesus rose to heaven from the dead after three days; I do believe there is something bigger than myself for which my life plays some, likely small, role. I do not believe I will never know what that reason is. But above all else ...

I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT THERE WERE FUCKING DINOSAURS IN THE GARDEN OF EDEN!

These clowns do.



P.S. I was reminded of this video after all this time when I read about the launch of the new Bigfoot Museum in England. Screw you Britain, you're no better.

British Couple Finally Realize House is a Boy

This short BBC article was passed on by a friend. To read about it, click here (and a newer article here). In summary, some rich British couple just realized that their kid painted a huge "phallus" on the roof of their mansion over a year ago. Two questions come to mind:

1) If you didn't wan't your teenage son to draw a penis on your house, why did you flatten your roof into a giant, grey canvas?

2) "He'll have to scrub it off when he gets back from traveling." So until then, the weiner stays?

I also wonder how these people finally found out that this was on their roof. I'm guessing someone else must've told them, in which case I wish I could've heard that conversation. Did some pilot randomly call or stop by one day ..."Hello Mr. and Mrs. Cockhouse, I just wanted to tell you that your roof has an enormous dick on it. Good day."

What Do You ... Yahoo!?

As I found myself bored at work on this average Monday morning, I completed a routine shared daily by millions of Americans: searching the internet based on every stray thought that enters my mind. After one such thought, in a moment of truly rare hermeneutic insight, I found myself wondering, "what the hell do all these other idiots search for when they are bored out of their skulls." Well my friends, wonder no more. Here are today's top Yahoo! searches (with my my annotation, of course) ...

1. Susan Boyle
Why won't she go away? This ugly duckling to swan story is a flavour of the week (that taste, being one identical to fish and chips that have sat in the sun for several hours) that should have expired 2 moths ago.

2. Dolly Parton
If Frankenstein and Pamela Anderson had an illegitimate love-child it would be Dolly Parton. Okay, I see why people would search that.

3. Children's Books
See spot run. Run spot run. Considering that this is the level most American's read at, I get this one too.

4. Healthy Recipes
Wait, you mean my salad from McDonald's isn't healthy? Chicken nuggets too? What the fuck?!

5. Keanu Reeves
Definitely didn't see this coming. Do people pay attention to his abysmal acting career? Are they waiting in anticipation for his next "film" so they can fight the urge to gouge out their eyes with a spoon before hurling themselves off a balcony? Unless they are actually searching him to learn the mystique of his kung fu methods, then I'm at a total loss.

6. Alex Rodriguez
Dear lovers of a good clown, look no further. Every time he walks into the batters box he makes my salary ... for the year. See how many times he has to blink/piss before he earns yours.

7. Celebrity Baby Names
Do you really need to look this up? Isn't it obvious? If you want to name your kid after a celebrity you should first read Michael Jackson's book, "How to Hold a Blanket." If, after doing so, you still want to name your baby after someone famous then use this catch-all for baby bambino's name: The Artist Formerly Known As The E-Trade Baby. It's gender neutral, is doubly famous, and completely unique. What's not to love?

8. Weekend Getaways
Obviously these soccer-moms who spend their day trolling Yahoo! are the ones not invited to the Tupperware parties. The other moms already know their weekend destination - meeting Mary Jane, riding a white horse, or chasing dragons.

9. Pope Benedict XVI
Really people are just looking for his web page and FAQ section. Most common question?

Q: Why is the Popemobile a bullet-proof Mercedes Bens?
A: A Thugz gotta roll on dubs. Alms to burn. Plus, bitches be tryin' to cap a Gangsta.

10. Hairstyles
Thank God. I thought we were going to round out the top ten with the economy or Iraq.

These are sports?

8 sports that for some reason aren't that popular.

#8 is easily the best.

6 Foods that will probably scare the living bejesus out of you

Ant Eggs, Baby Mice Wine, some nice partially incubated eggs.

Yum.

Bobby Badfingers

Snapping his way to being one of the biggest clowns the world has ever known.

Great intensity.

Daily Clown: Having the opportunity of a lifetime to bring competitive snapping to the mainstream and picking a Gloria Estefan song to do so.

Or

Maybe just having the title as the "World's Fastest Snapper"

Anyways, you'll probably wanna check out Steven Purugganan the next time you need someone to set up your beer pong game in less than 7 seconds

or Tu Jin-Shen next time you need an iron dick to help pull your car out of a ditch

Alice in Drugland

Don't watch unless it's 4am and you've been up all night watching sportscenter re-runs. This is probably the closest I've ever come to feeling the effects of acid. Headphones are essential. Just stare into as if it were a "Magic Eye."

"This is Spinal Tap, more like Spinal CRAP!"

You can't please everyone. Here's a list of critics' responses to some of your most loved things in life.

"This is more music for druggies. The Beatles should be ashamed to put out this album. I saw Paul Mcartney live last year and he was better than this album, and the other Beatles weren’t even there. But the stage show was boring, there where no pyrotecnics or girls. When I saw Motley Crew during there Dr. Feelgood tour they at least had Fireballs and dancing girls. Plus Mick Mars destroys George Harryson on guitar!"

Here's a favorite from some clown. Here two of my favorite things from this post of theirs.
A. Of all things they misspell, The Beatles is not one of them
B. The Beatles suck because they lack fireballs.

Therefore, Beatles plus picture to the right = Motley Crue quality show

By the way, This is Spinal Tap is one of the best movies of all-time (not crap).

Seth MacFarlane's 1st Cartoon

I'm starting to think that his intention was to write for "Curb Your Enthusiasm." Basically it's a less tripped out version of Family Guy, Peter is now Larry David and Brian is a brown hound looking thing.

Gratuitous Posting of Dueling Handfarts

I'm thinking about nominating this guy as clown of the year. Didn't I see that guy as the dad in American Pie and countless other shitty movies?

Watch this and remember, that some douchebag friend of this guy thought this was actually really cool and deserving of a video. On the other hand, this friend I speak of may have video taped this performance as proof to why three years later he has gone postal.

The Greatest T-Shirt The World Has Ever Known

And if you don't believe me, read the damn reviews at the bottom. And sadly, this incredible shirt to the right pales in comparison to the one I'm talking about.

Hammer vs. Capri Wearing Douche, Who Ya Got?

...because any dude that wears capri pants deserves this. Someone wipe this guy out of the gene pool.

Oh Boy...

Unreal. Simply more clowns. And boy do they love that guy.

It's a Monkey On A Minibike...

...and that's about it. Because let's face it, sometimes you just need to see a monkey riding a minibike.

Clown of the Year Nominee

They say a picture can say a 1000 words. A million couldn't sum up what I think of this clown.

Bathroom Behavior Part II - Hand Washing

As discussed in Bathroom Behavior Part I, using the restroom as a napping locale not only gives me the chance to catch a quick snooze at work, but also provides me access to fellow employee's indiscriminate private practices. This has afforded me the opportunity to evaluate a question many men undoubtedly have asked: Do I need to wash my hands after taking a leak?

If I'm alone, the answer is obviously "No." The answer to "do I need to wash" is always no. If my hands get so dirty touching my junk that they need to be disinfected, then I should probably be more worried about cleaning those areas. So I guess the question is - Should I wash my hands when coworkers/superiors are around? Do they care? If they wash their hands, then they probably think its wierd if I don't. But then again, maybe they're thinking the same thing as I am, and we both end up performing the obligatory hand-wash just to appease the other. And that's a goddamn travesty I will not stand for.

In napping, I've been able to witness my fellow men taking, what they thought to be, solitary tinkles. Unfortunately, even though there's no one else around (or so they think) over half wash their hands. "Well I just lightly handled my penis, so I better wash my hands so they don't get infected by the colonies of bacteria and mold being cultured on it." Idiots. If anything, there should be a little, crotch high sink for us to cleanse our weiners in after touching them with our filthy hands. At any rate, as most of the un-ashamedly flatulent clowns I work with do not share this enlightened view, I am forced me to wash my hands whenever I'm in the presence of another bathroom-goer.

Brett Fucking Favre Please Stop

You have to be kidding. Michael Jordan retiring to play minor league baseball; Ryan Leaf putting down the helmet at 26; Favre coming out of retirement to play for the Jets. All of these pale in comparison to the bozonian antics of Favre v2.0. I mean really? Don't you have a farm in Mississippi where you can throw a football through a tire swing? Like in all those Wrangler ads? Isn't there a Viagra commercial like that too? Maybe you can start doing those.

At any rate, the point is any of those things would be better than you coming out of retirement ... AGAIN ... to play for the fucking Minnesota Vikings. Didn't you see how fans in a real sport town acted when you sucked? They HATE losing. They HATE watching their quarterback throw up Sputnik-esque passes only to have them intercepted. They REALLY HATE losing their last four of five to miss the playoffs after stating 8-3.

Now I actually hate bashing Favre. I loved the Gunslinger of Green Bay who never missed games, had ten pro-bowl appearances, three MVPs, and a Super Bowl ring. But the fact remains that Favre is no longer that player. The more he plays, the more clear that becomes. Why tarnish an immaculate Hall of Fame career with all these twilight shenanigans? Only one answer. You must be a clown.

Bathroom Behavior Part I

It was only a matter of time before I wrote this. Also, I just dumped hot chocolate all over my leg, so it looks like I drizzled diarrhea out of my johnson. Anyway, being that I visit the rest room more often than most, I've been exposed to some sights/sounds and situations that I have general questions about, and thoughts to share. Most of these revolve around napping in the stall. Originally, this lead me to consider and talk about my findings regarding an often asked question by men, but as it made the piece excessively long, I've separated my thoughts on hand-washing into Part II. So.

Napping. I nap on the toilet at least once a day. Initially, I did this with my pants down because it felt weird to sit on a toilet with pants on, but I've gotten used to it and it's way more comfortable. Although, this only applies when using the spacious handicapped stall (which also sports the wheelchair assistance bar for arm-resting), which does not allow outsiders to view my feet. In the normal stall, its gotta be pants around ankles to waylay any suspicion...although usually I'll leave the boxers up for warmth. At any rate, bathroom napping is a great choice, and usually makes my day more interesting.

The first interesting situation that arises, is related to the unfortunate need to pull down my pants when I'm not actually moving my bowels. Not getting "caught" napping. This becomes an issue when my 15 min are up (that's when my computer screen will go into screen saver mode), and there's someone in the next stall. Clearly I can't just get up and walk out. Maybe I give my fellow occupants more credit for awareness than they deserve, but if I thought I was taking a dump alone, then suddenly I hear someone just walk out of the other stall - no wipe or flush - I'd be like "What the fuck?"

So my first course of action is to wait them out. Depending on how long the've been at it, this is more feasible. And it beats the hell out of the other option: faking finishing up a shit. First, there's the fidling around with the toilet paper roll to feign several wipes. The gratuitous empty-bowl flush I find particularly wasteful. But the worst part, by far, is the pretend hand-wash. I don't like to wash my hands unless absolutely necessary (As I'll make clear in Pt. II), so acting out the whole process for someone else's benefit is a real pain in the ass. And yes, there is enough of a gap in the stall doors that you can see someone as they walk by, so if I can be spotted after making it seem like I'm exiting after a poo, then regretably etiquette dictates I need to give the impression that I'm washing my hands. At any rate, running the water for a bit, jiggling the paper towel dispenser handle, and rustling the paper does a fair enough deception as far as I can tell. You can see why I'd prefer not to go through all this, just to get a quick doze.

Another entertaining benefit of napping is that I get to hear my bosses and other middle-aged businessmen play the porcelain trombone. It's best when I can identify the composer by his shoes, because then I can put a face to the sounds of struggle, relief, and rectal destruction coming from the other stall. I would never have imagined that successful, middle-aged men had such serious gastrointestinal troubles. These guys make the fart machine noises nobody really thinks exist au naturale. Machine gun diarrhea, triple flutter blasts, squeakers...if you've imagined it, I've heard it. I also didn't realize people actually moaned and grunted (except to entertain your buddies). These are grown men - professionals. Better yet is the dramatic sigh in relief after a splashdown. Literally sighing. "Plop!..uuuooohhhh." Really? Of course, they might not be as candid if they knew I was trying to nap next door.

SWINE FLU!!!!

This little piggy went to market,

This little piggy went home,

This little piggy had roast beef,

This little piggy had none,

And this little piggy went "weee" "weee" "weee"

All the way to this great game about swine flu.

The Odd Couple: The Story of How My Best Man Ate My Wife

From the line "My feelings for Grizzlies is a little bit different from most people" you know you've tuned into something good. There is no doubt that this will be a pretty interesting TV show. Nothing says good TV like putting your loved ones in danger by MAKING AN 800-lb GRIZZLY BEAR AS YOUR BEST MAN AT YOUR WEDDING.

Not to be mean or anything (put it will totally be taken that way), his wife is a little Alien looking. I guess you must be from a different planet to want to wed a guy who's only choice for a best man in his wedding is a 800lb man eater (man-mauler perhaps).

That's right, bring it on you sonofa bitch!

"I didn't have to worry about any wedding crashers! Ha Ha Ha Ha" Oh, no you didn't. Probably because no one was at your wedding.

"...he gets to be an ambassador to his wild cousins..." Yea, because 800lb hairy man mauling beasts who roll around, take huge dumps and talk about how they want to tear their trainer's throat out really care about a fellow Grizzly being on television.

Pick The Perp!

The newest craze in internet gaming! Actually, it's a satisfying way of playing the "racial profiling" game. Enjoy.

My streak is 3. Try and beat that. Or if you're like Giunta, play "would you rather..."

Bozohemian Rhapsody

See what I did with the title there?

This is what you get when you have old computers and A LOT of free time. However I think this is pretty sweet. I've always wondered what could be done with those noises. I think guy might be my FYS teacher.

Oh, and I think he hints at the bottom of the page that he actually bought the computers so that he could do this. Clown.

Daily Clown: This guy.

Super Beagle

This is actually a sad story, but then it gets good. Just read a little bit of what happened to this dog, then click on the pictures page. Unreal.

House of Poon Burned Down

Not sure if you Penfield guys ever tried this place, but due to its location, House of Poon Chinese Restaurant was a place my family sometimes ate from.

This past Friday I drove up to Indianapolis, IN to visit the FDIC convention (my dad goes with a couple guys from the Brighton Fire Dept. so I met up with the group). Later that night, while waiting for our group to be seated at Buca, a very good Italian restaurant in town, the topic of food was brought up, eventually leading up to the recent fire at Rochester's House of Poon restaurant. A couple of firefighters in our group happened to be at the fire. Stories of how nasty the kitchen was reminded me of the Kam-Wah fire a couple years back. To say the least, I thought this was an ordinary "damn, chinese restaurants are dirty" story. That is until they said what they found in the freezer. They found three of these (I'll let the picture explain).

Ya, so think about that next time you're eating Sesame Chicken and wonder why it doesn't have the same texture as any chicken you've ever eaten before.

The Iceman Cometh ... and Dunketh

Baumer's right. Watch this NHL star throw down the rock.

Basketball SUCKS!

Let me first define a couple of things.

This is tough and this is tough (sorry Moorman).

This is basketball trying to be tough (notice the pushing and awkwardly landing punches)

NBA players, if you're only going to land one punch then make it one punch (or one punch)

Basketball is the lamest sport on earth. There I said it. Give these guys a wig, a horn, and a little makeup (not much needed) and they'll look like your typical clown. Just take a look at this recap video I embedded in this post.

This video has everything. It starts off with some intense pre-game talk. You know something good is about to happen. Frazier v. Ali? Federer v. Nadal? Yankees v. Red Sox? No. The rivalry people are going to be talking about for years to come is Hawks v. Heat. THE BATTLE OF THE H's FOR THE AGES BABY!!! (evoking Dick Vitale)

It's not long until the action picks up. OH NO!!! DWAYNE WADE AND JOSH SMITH COLLIDED!!!! CALL AN AMBULANCE!!!! I bet they'll have a couple boo-boos on their itty biddy heads. Wah Wah. Wade taken to thelocker room ... OH BUT THERE HE IS!! HE'S BACK! (This just in, Dwayne Wade has returned to the court after being told in the locker room by the trainer that if he doesn't get back out in the game, he's a pussy).
Such heroics to see Wade back after such a horrendous injury! Makes Bobby Baun's Game 6 Stanley Cup championship overtime goal (after he broke his ankle earlier in the game) pale in comparison. I'm sure this will be a performance they'll talk about for years.

Oh jeez, and there goes D-Wade and he just got tangled up with Soloman Jones. Uh oh, here comes some pushing. Better get some help there, they sure know how to push someone in the NBA (seriously guys, pushing is your only answer? The NBA's proudest moment has to be when Ron Artest went up and beat up some dude in the stands. You guys are gay, you can't fight, quit acting tough because you're not. Oh and it's kinda sad when your fight can be broken up by what appears to be a 75 year old man. Ya, real tough guys).

Anyways, let's continue. AHHH D-Wade just touched a guy when he tried to dunk! I hope that he's ok! Let's give that guy another shot at putting the ball in the hoop. Oh, there he goes, he got a free shot. YAY!!!! Happy!

1:04 - wow a dude dunked a ball. Better put it in a top ten list because you know, dunking a ball in the NBA is so tough when you're 7ft tall.

Let's speed this up, there's plenty left to go.

Next up, some dude falls and rolls his ankle and goes on to prove how tough the NBA is by shooting free throws. He is standing in fucking place, as in not needing to move at all or put any strain on that ankle of his. And I love how they're called "free throws" since they are basically a free point. If you're in the NBA, you should be good enough to make a basket standing still. The ease in this shot would be an extra point kick in the NFL, with no defense running at you, or a penalty shot in the NHL, with no goalie.

1:22 - BOOM!! What a slamma jamma! I'm sorry, but did he just slam dunk!?!?! (top ten anyone!!?!?!) So why the fuck does he get a free throw. Why should the foul matter if he made the point? The only reasoning I see would be to deter from people fouling/touching someone when they are trying to shoot, which basically makes my argument that basketball is the lamest thing in town.

1:37 HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH no he did not just do that. That is about the funniest thing I've seen in a long time. YOU MISSED A DUNK! And no one was even in that half of the court! To think that he's probably making more money this year then I'll make in the next 50 years...

I'm sorry, after that I cannot continue this rant. It's just too much shittiness. Mike, Kyle, please take over for me. I think I'm going to be sick.

Daily Clown: NBA and people who love it

Alligators - Almost as Dangerous as Two Idiots w/ a Shotgun

This excerpt is from an article in New York Game and Fish magazine about alligator attacks. Critical knowledge for any New York sportsman. Apparently they happen all the time, and you should be terrified if you live in Florida/New York. Trying to show just how dangerous alligators are, the article retells various attack stories and the encounters of two registered removal agents - Braxton and Enfinger. This is the second tale:

"On another occasion, Braxton and Enfinger were out attempting to remove a gator that had been hanging around some docks and residences...It was well after sundown when they spotted their quarry. They were both busy getting all their tools into position when Braxton picked up the bang stick (gun), removed the safety and made only a short move, when the bang stick hit something and discharged, striking Enfinger at point-blank range.
The bang stick held a single 12-gauge shotgun shell with No. 4 shot. The pellets struck Enfinger in the chest, face and arm. Braxton immediately got Enfinger...to a hospital in Pensacola. Doctors removed what pellets they could and discharged him. It was a narrow escape Braxton said he would never forget."

Smart thinking by Tweedle-Dee to blast the shit out of Tweedle-Dum, or else the alligator might have had a chance to do some real damage. The inclusion of this anecdote in an article meant to show how important it is to remove 'nuisance' alligators reaffirms my long standing fear of rednecks with guns. As I'm not a retard, I still don't have any reason to fear alligators.

Hey! Where da chicken at?

This is too ridiculous to write about.
Rochester Popeyes' have run out of Chicken. That's right. Chicken. Out of it.

This rivals the Leprechaun siting in Crichton, Alabama

and Bubb Rubb & Lil' Sis

1. How do you run out of chicken when you knew about this special 2 months ago? I mean, people got families to feed. You can't assume that they'd go to a grocery store and buy food or anything crazy like that. We got people to feed damnit! Where's my Popeyes?!?!
2. Do white people eat at Popeyes?
3. Couldn't someone get a tractor trailer or something in the back and keep that chicken on ice? Jeez!

Joke'n Noah

When Joakim Noah and his twin brother were born, the doctors noticed a strange anomaly ... despite their identical looks, they shared only one mouthful of teeth. Joakim got all but one; said sole tooth belonging to the brother (shown below).

Current HOF NFL Players

This doesn't really have anything to do with clownery....just bored at work. Instead of being productive I've been trying to come up with a list of the curren NFL players that will definately be Hall of Famers. Theres also a list of probables - due to either not quite long enough careers (Ed Reed) or just borderline status (Donovan McNabb). Here's what I've come up with so far:

Definate HOF:

Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Terrel Owens, Marvin Harrison, Torry Holt, Ladainian Tomlinson, Ray Lewis, Derrick Brooks, Brian Urlacher, Junior Seau, Brian Dawkins, Champ Bailey, Tony Gonzalez, Allen Faneca, Jonathan Ogden, Orlando Pace

Probable HOF: Donovan McNabb, Kurt Warner, Steve Smith, Isaac Bruce, Randy Moss, Chad Johnson, Ty Law, Richard Seymour, Julius Peppers, Ted Washington, Troy Polamalu, Ed Reed, Walter Jones, Steve Hutchinson

Agree with the placement? Think anyone's missing?

Torso-Man Update!

Here it is folks, Kyle Maynard had his first MMA fight! Oh boy! What an exciting fight it was! It literally looked like a baby trying to eat a grown man's foot. Where the hell did he get the idea that this would actually work?

DAILY CLOWN: Just picture trying to fight a baby who hasn't learned how to walk yet and you'll get the picture.

Ok Great Britain, We Fucking Get It Already

<--- Hey Great Britain, you rule!

Oh hey, another amazing young singer... Great, we get it, you guys have better singers than we do here in America. Enough with this shit already. You rule at music (especially rock and roll). There. Over. Done with.

Aren't you tired of this America? Isn't there something we can do about this? It's got to be the shows themselves. More specifically the show's name.

American Idol. Nowhere in that name does it speak of the quality of singing on that show. How good do you need to be to be idolized? Quite frankly, not that good (think Taylor Swift, or Miley Cyrus). But hot diggity dang America, Great Britain has us beat before their show has even started. Just look at the name, "Britain's Got Talent." These pompous lymey bastards already know they've got it, they just figure, "hey how can we show off these kids some more?" Enter Simon Cowell.

Why the hell should I give a shit about this guy, let alone what he says every week? Ninety percent of all the people watching American Idol can do the same job as Simon. It's called being critical. OOOOOOOOOOHHH what a complex concept!!! Has anyone read his Wikipedia page? You probably don't need to considering you already know that he's the man behind such bands as Sinitta, Curiosity Killed The Cat, Sonia Evans, Five, Westlife, Robson & Jerome and Ultimate Kaos. One word can sum up that: HUGE!

Do we even need the other three judges? No. Paula is just propped up in her chair every week as a part of the DARE program to help scare kids off of drugs. The new one is trying so hard to be cool that it... well, actually, I don't know what she says 1/2 the time since she gets cut off pretty much every week. Then there's "Dude." Randy, you suck. Go back to playing bass with Journey. You're in need of some "real street cred."

So while American Idol tries to decide which person with an okay voice they can parade around for their 15 minutes of fame, Great Britain is sweating over which of their very talented finalists they should have, for lack of a better word, "win." Win is a tough word to say here since anyone in the Britain's Got Talent top 5 will probably go on to have a decent career. Same can't be said for A. Idol. Quick name off 4 winners of A. Idol that have big careers. Shouldn't be tough since they've done like 9 seasons of this shit.

On a side note, what's up with "Great" Britain? Who says they get to put "Great" in front of their name? Shouldn't countries get to vote on that? If I could vote, it would be for Djibouti, not lame old Britain.

Goderdzi Love His Ball

Goderdzi loves his ball. He loves it so much he just wants to bounce it. Bounce it all day! This video makes me think of Charlie Williams' Soccer Legends Camp. What a crock of shit that camp was. It was worth the t-shirt, but I can think of maybe 1 or 2 situations in all of my soccer career where I needed to use a move ("do the croif!"). I guess this is pretty cool since he's really good at heading a ball, but where is the practicality in that? If that douche tried doing that in a soccer game, he'd either

A. get his ankles broken
or
B. hugged from Farber.

By the way, this guy probably sucks as a teammate. F-you dude.


Daily Clown: Goderdzi "balls-all-over-my-face" McGee

Carry On My Wayward Son

Something tells me that she wasn't into sports... Got to say, I am pretty jealous that she rocked this out. This is probably my favorite Guitar Hero song behind YYZ.

Daily Clown: Her for making me feel like a clown. What a douche.

These all took way too many tries...

...but nevertheless, are simply amazing.






---->
Notice the superior forearm strength of this woman Those basketballs aren't deflated at all
---->

Fantasy Baseball: Reality TV Stars

Have you often wondered what a baseball team of reality TV stars would look like? Me too.


Catcher/Pitcher
C - Richard Hatch, Survivor
P - Clay Aiken, American Idol

• Understandably, the Coach had a bit of difficulty with the lineup here.
  

Infield
1B - Warren Sapp, Dancing With the Stars
2B - Glen Foster, The Littlest Groom
SS - 50 Cent, 50 Cent: The Money The Power
3B - Helga, American Gladiators

• Can he dance? Yeah. Can he catch? Probably. Great, Warren go to First.
• Now I know it's a stereotype that the shortest guy on the team is always the second basemen. Would you expect a shattering of a politically correct archetype from us? You must be kidding. We chose the midget.
  
• Did anyone even know 50 had a show? Me neither, but I sure as hell don't want to see him when I'm rounding second trying to leg it out for a triple.
• You're telling me SHE'S guarding third? With a JOUST-STICK?! Fuck it, Fitty looks pretty tame right about now.
  

Outfield
LF - Richard Rubin, Beauty & The Geek
CF - Susan Doyle, Britain's Got Talent
RF - Dinesh Patel/Rinku Singh, India's Million Dollar Arm

• When you think of LF you think of the kid who keeps to himself, picks dandelions, and thinks girls have cooties. Not to mention eats his own boogers. Really, could you pick anyone else?
• She has all the characteristics of a great CF: A commanding voice, the ability to rob someone else of glory, and a seemingly ubiquitous (read: annoying) knack for being everywhere at once. Oh yeah, she even has the battle wounds to prove it. That face only belongs to one who has smashed into Wrigley's brick and ivy more than once.
• Finally, in RF the Coach had two choices. Thank God/Shiva/Brahma/Vishnu/300 million+ other deities, that he finally found some real ballplayers. These guys won an Indian reality show becoming the first from the Subcontinent to play pro ball. No shocker here, they were so good they were signed by the Pirates.