The Caption Says It All

"This is the only way to react when the other team scores an own-goal."

By the way, the picture to the right has nothing to do with this post, it's just a ridiculous photo.

Russian Star Wars Kid

Words cannot properly describe this.

That seems to happen quite a lot with my posts.

This makes so much sense!

Seriously guys, it's not like I go around saying that I'm 2 3 years old. I'm 23. Huge difference.

Here's a prime example of doing retarded things because your skills on the field are equal to that of Christopher Reeves (too soon?)


Daily Clown: Doing whatever you can to stay in the spotlight.

The Longest List

The Longest List is the Longest List of the Longest Things at the Longest Domain Name on The Internet.


Now all in one convenient place!

Kool-Aid

Everything you need to know about Kool-Aid.

Still the best afternoon snack ever.

1 dry Kool-Aid packet

1 cup Sugar

Mix, enjoy ensuing diabetic shock.


And yes, I went through a period of eating that everyday.

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus

Yea, no joke. That's the best name they could come up with. (above is an accurate depiction of the action scenes in the movie, high quality stuff).

And you know it's incredible when it stars 80s teenie bopper Deborah Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas.

Anyways, does anyone here watch the SciFi channel for movies. They are incredible. (Incredible = incredibly shitty).

I happened to switch over to the SciFi channel one night to catch the ending of what could only be a sorry attempt to jump onto the coattails of the Anaconda and Lake Placid movies. It starred some woman who shouldn't be acting and one HUGE Alligator (maybe crocodile, Mlauw, help me on this one).

So, like I said, this was the end of the movie and the actress was stuck on a tiny raft in the middle of a swamp. To her horror, she notices that not only is this gigantic pissed off alligator is swimming her way, but the swamp is being filled up by huge barrels of gasoline. She quickly remembers that she has a zippo in her pocket and trys to start it. BUT IT WON'T LIGHT!!!!

OH
MY
GOD!

Oh, there's a dude in the raft with her, but he's injured (of course), and he's struggling to start the engine (yea, there's a small trowling motor that's there to make us believe that the small 5hp motor will help speed them away from this beast).

Blah Blah Blah, you can guess what happens next. Yep, it finally lights up. We see the beast swimming towards them, weaving in and around reeds and grass and whatnot. Right when he's about to swim into some gasoline, we here quite possibly the greatest line in cinematic history.

Sauer if you're reading this, prepare to be blown away.


She takes one look at the lighter, then to the alligator and says

"Light up my life you sonofa bitch!"

and then she tosses the lighter into the swamp, and BLOWS UP the goddamned alligator. She didn't hit any barrels or anything, just the gas on the surface of the water. Oh, and not only does she and the dude not get blown up as well, they are able to start the engine, troll safely out of the swamp into some open water and proceed to fuck each other's brains out.

Wonderful.

Awkward Family Photos

This webpage was sent in courtesy of longtime clown-enjoyer, and Official Friend of the site Jon Sauer (call for membership details). I'm sure we all have a few family photos that could qualify. The best news is that is passes my company's "websense" content filter - unlike 90% of what Baumer posts -so you should be able to enjoy it at home and work.

Two Snakes, One Bowl

Sweet mother of God.

Now if you think that's scary ... check this out. Forget Snakes on a plain, try the toilet. No shit.

Playoffs? Playoffs?

Dennis Green is still probably my favorite. Mostly because the gave that goddamn game away to the Bears. They had that win.

Warning: These are REAL children

I've got a couple here and they're all equally ridiculous.

1. He's making fun of them and they are just eating it right up.

2. Not sure what church this is, but if I did that, I would probably have been kicked squarely in the teeth.

3. Wooo Praise the Lord!

4. I'm sorry, but watching this kid makes me think of this and this.

Gravity's a Bitch

This ranks up there with the jackass who ran through a 42nd floor window to "prove how strong his windows are."

Awkward Boners

...because you know you've caught one of your friends with one in class or just chilling out with the remote on their crotch (Sauer/Dean).

W.W.T(rex).D?

A little insight to this author. I first saw this video last summer, before The Daily Clown entered this world. I remember first watching this on youtube and being completely stunned. I never realized just how fucked-up a huge portion of this country is.

The following is a video that came out some time ago prior to the launch of The Creation Museum in Kentucky, a self-claimed "walk through history ... which brings the bible to life." Now, I do not mean to trash all "believers" out there. I was raised Roman Catholic. I do not consider myself a religious person. I do not believe Jesus rose to heaven from the dead after three days; I do believe there is something bigger than myself for which my life plays some, likely small, role. I do not believe I will never know what that reason is. But above all else ...

I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT THERE WERE FUCKING DINOSAURS IN THE GARDEN OF EDEN!

These clowns do.



P.S. I was reminded of this video after all this time when I read about the launch of the new Bigfoot Museum in England. Screw you Britain, you're no better.

British Couple Finally Realize House is a Boy

This short BBC article was passed on by a friend. To read about it, click here (and a newer article here). In summary, some rich British couple just realized that their kid painted a huge "phallus" on the roof of their mansion over a year ago. Two questions come to mind:

1) If you didn't wan't your teenage son to draw a penis on your house, why did you flatten your roof into a giant, grey canvas?

2) "He'll have to scrub it off when he gets back from traveling." So until then, the weiner stays?

I also wonder how these people finally found out that this was on their roof. I'm guessing someone else must've told them, in which case I wish I could've heard that conversation. Did some pilot randomly call or stop by one day ..."Hello Mr. and Mrs. Cockhouse, I just wanted to tell you that your roof has an enormous dick on it. Good day."

What Do You ... Yahoo!?

As I found myself bored at work on this average Monday morning, I completed a routine shared daily by millions of Americans: searching the internet based on every stray thought that enters my mind. After one such thought, in a moment of truly rare hermeneutic insight, I found myself wondering, "what the hell do all these other idiots search for when they are bored out of their skulls." Well my friends, wonder no more. Here are today's top Yahoo! searches (with my my annotation, of course) ...

1. Susan Boyle
Why won't she go away? This ugly duckling to swan story is a flavour of the week (that taste, being one identical to fish and chips that have sat in the sun for several hours) that should have expired 2 moths ago.

2. Dolly Parton
If Frankenstein and Pamela Anderson had an illegitimate love-child it would be Dolly Parton. Okay, I see why people would search that.

3. Children's Books
See spot run. Run spot run. Considering that this is the level most American's read at, I get this one too.

4. Healthy Recipes
Wait, you mean my salad from McDonald's isn't healthy? Chicken nuggets too? What the fuck?!

5. Keanu Reeves
Definitely didn't see this coming. Do people pay attention to his abysmal acting career? Are they waiting in anticipation for his next "film" so they can fight the urge to gouge out their eyes with a spoon before hurling themselves off a balcony? Unless they are actually searching him to learn the mystique of his kung fu methods, then I'm at a total loss.

6. Alex Rodriguez
Dear lovers of a good clown, look no further. Every time he walks into the batters box he makes my salary ... for the year. See how many times he has to blink/piss before he earns yours.

7. Celebrity Baby Names
Do you really need to look this up? Isn't it obvious? If you want to name your kid after a celebrity you should first read Michael Jackson's book, "How to Hold a Blanket." If, after doing so, you still want to name your baby after someone famous then use this catch-all for baby bambino's name: The Artist Formerly Known As The E-Trade Baby. It's gender neutral, is doubly famous, and completely unique. What's not to love?

8. Weekend Getaways
Obviously these soccer-moms who spend their day trolling Yahoo! are the ones not invited to the Tupperware parties. The other moms already know their weekend destination - meeting Mary Jane, riding a white horse, or chasing dragons.

9. Pope Benedict XVI
Really people are just looking for his web page and FAQ section. Most common question?

Q: Why is the Popemobile a bullet-proof Mercedes Bens?
A: A Thugz gotta roll on dubs. Alms to burn. Plus, bitches be tryin' to cap a Gangsta.

10. Hairstyles
Thank God. I thought we were going to round out the top ten with the economy or Iraq.

These are sports?

8 sports that for some reason aren't that popular.

#8 is easily the best.

6 Foods that will probably scare the living bejesus out of you

Ant Eggs, Baby Mice Wine, some nice partially incubated eggs.

Yum.

Bobby Badfingers

Snapping his way to being one of the biggest clowns the world has ever known.

Great intensity.

Daily Clown: Having the opportunity of a lifetime to bring competitive snapping to the mainstream and picking a Gloria Estefan song to do so.

Or

Maybe just having the title as the "World's Fastest Snapper"

Anyways, you'll probably wanna check out Steven Purugganan the next time you need someone to set up your beer pong game in less than 7 seconds

or Tu Jin-Shen next time you need an iron dick to help pull your car out of a ditch