Saturday, April 25, 2009

These all took way too many tries...

...but nevertheless, are simply amazing.

Notice the superior forearm strength of this woman Those basketballs aren't deflated at all

Friday, April 24, 2009

Fantasy Baseball: Reality TV Stars

Have you often wondered what a baseball team of reality TV stars would look like? Me too.

C - Richard Hatch, Survivor
P - Clay Aiken, American Idol
  • Understandably, the Coach had a bit of difficulty with the lineup here.

1B - Warren Sapp, Dancing With the Stars
2B - Glen Foster, The Littlest Groom
SS - 50 Cent, 50 Cent: The Money The Power
3B - Helga, American Gladiators
  • Can he dance? Yeah. Can he catch? Probably. Great, Warren go to First.
  • Now I know it's a stereotype that the shortest guy on the team is always the second basemen. Would you expect a shattering of a politically correct archetype from us? You must be kidding. We chose the midget.
  • Did anyone even know 50 had a show? Me neither, but I sure as hell don't want to see him when I'm rounding second trying to leg it out for a triple.
  • You're telling me SHE'S guarding third? With a JOUST-STICK?! Fuck it, Fitty looks pretty tame right about now.

LF - Richard Rubin, Beauty & The Geek
CF - Susan Doyle, Britain's Got Talent
RF - Dinesh Patel/Rinku Singh, India's Million Dollar Arm
  • When you think of LF you think of the kid who keeps to himself, picks dandelions, and thinks girls have cooties. Not to mention eats his own boogers. Really, could you pick anyone else?
  • She has all the characteristics of a great CF: A commanding voice, the ability to rob someone else of glory, and a seemingly ubiquitous (read: annoying) knack for being everywhere at once. Oh yeah, she even has the battle wounds to prove it. That face only belongs to one who has smashed into Wrigley's brick and ivy more than once.
  • Finally, in RF the Coach had two choices. Thank God/Shiva/Brahma/Vishnu/300 million+ other deities, that he finally found some real ballplayers. These guys won an Indian reality show becoming the first from the Subcontinent to play pro ball. No shocker here, they were so good they were signed by the Pirates.

Smith Runs 1st X-Rated 40yd Dash

Andre Smith is not a lean 330lb, and this picture showing so made me chuckle. First thing's first though: Alabama's husky star is not being put on here due to combine follies, sub par pro-day workouts, or suspensions. This is about one thing, and one thing only; this image. This frightening, humorous image. If you're an NFL prospect who's taken all kinds of shit for being out of shape, having weight issues, being lazy, etc. why on earth do you choose to run a 40yd dash with NO SHIRT ON!? From what I understand, it's because t-shirts (not rolls of flab) create substantial drag and slow you down. Or you're just a bona fide clown.

Why else would someone so comically obese subject his jiggly body to such additional scrutiny and criticism? Just look at those big nipples pointing in two completely different directions, and you'll know the reason somebody invented sports bras. His stomach clearly wants nothing to do with the rest of his body, and is trying to escape to the sidelines. It also doesn't help that his fat, pointy toes remind me of a baby elephant trying to fly. Maybe Andre just wanted to make me chuckle. Mission accomplished.

Don't get me wrong, I feel bad for this guy whose had some relatively minor mistakes blown out of proportion, and I don't give much credence to those that have Smith free-falling down draft boards. Bottom line is, he can play football. Yeah, Andre's a fat kid...But he's a fat kid who dominated the SEC. Smith was sloppy in college, is sloppy now, and is not gonna change anytime soon. As any educated obese person will tell you, its all genetic.

But for God's sake, Andre, show a little judgment. Or at least listen to everyone around you saying "Hey man, you might want to leave that on" before you take your shirt off. And shame on anyone who stands by and lets this behemoth trick himself into thinking he'll shave a couple tenths of a second of his 40 time by losing his XXXL shirt. Think of the children. You'll probably find a couple under said shirt.

Hey, There's a Jesus in My Grilled Cheese!

Click Here to see the Shroud of Toastin
Jesus Tap Dancing Christ, why is this news? I have no idea what to even say about this. Christ is in my grilled cheese! Wait, no, Christ is in my cereal! No! He's in my chicken wings! This lady is an idiot. Maybe it's a trick. Maybe it's like those IQ tests. Is it a candle or a couple kissing? I don't see Jesus in that grilled cheese, I see Megatron. I feel bad for the reporter who probably though this was their big break to becoming an anchor.

Today's Clown: Linda Lowe "Toast Owner"

Worlds Smallest Game of Pacman

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Clowns In My Pants

Bring an extra pair of pants, okay maybe two. First change is for the fright of this first video. The second? Because of the Theory of Relativity ... and asians. (*For added viewing pleasure, try both at once*)


Let's All Give A Hand To This Guy

My heart is telling me not to write this, but my gut is telling me that something needs to be said about this.

Here's a wonderful story about a truly amazing kid. His name is Kyle Maynard and he is a congenital amputee. He's got no arms, and no legs. (I've looked into it, and no, he's not like a Wii character who lacks arms and legs while still having hands and feet). Now don't get me wrong, I hope this kid achieves whatever goals he sets because he's not only an inspiration to probably many kids out there, but also because he probably had a real crappy time in high school. Also he won a ESPY, which is more than I can say I'll ever accomplish.

Alright, well long story short, I would like to address a more pressing matter. And that is... What the hell is up with our wrestling programs? How does a sport, usually filled with Quasimodo/Ork-like manchildren who love rolling around on a sweat and MRSA covered mat that has been rolled up into the back of the gym for the past 45 years and who wear the tightest spandex possible to ensure that when they are on top of the other guy, their junk is as close to that guy's face as possible be taken over by a kid who lacks all appendages? The kid has NO ARMS and NO LEGS! How do you lose a wrestling match to a kid who has NO ARMS and NO LEGS? How do you not pick him up and throw him out the gym? Or just sit on him. He can't push or pull you. The kid's record is 35-16. 35 and 16! As in 35 people walked up to the mat, using their two legs, shook the hands of the coach and ref, probably using one of their two arms and hands to do it, and then proceded to lose a wrestling match to this guy. Perhaps he wins by releasing a paralytic from his skin. He may even control his bowels so well that a strategically placed fart renders his opponent unconscious, allowing him to then squirm/roll on to his opponent and thereby "pinning" him/her to the mat. Whatever he does, he does it well enough to fight for a spot in an MMA fight. And he's probably wondering why no one will let him do it. Gee, I don't know, maybe if he has never seen the "Walking the baby at the park" scene from the movie Dead Alive. In that case, no, he has no idea what would be in store for him.

Today's Clown: Idiots who lost a wrestling match to Kyle Maynard

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Lions or Lambs

So the NFL season hasn't even started and the Detroit Lions are already trading up to ensure elite status as the league's top clown. Using unprecedented tactics, the Lions have opted to strike fear into the hearts of opponents rather than try to beat them with superior athletes. In the words of ESPN The Ocho's Pepper Brooks, "It's a bold strategy ... let's see if it pays off for 'em." While Pepper may have his doubts Dr. Levy, Professor of Mathematics at the University of Michigan, does not. In an exclusive interview with The Daily Clown Levy issued a "... guarantee that, based on comprehensive statistical research, the Lions will not lose more games than last year." Hey, the man's a doctor.