Thursday, April 30, 2009

Basketball SUCKS!

Let me first define a couple of things.

This is tough and this is tough (sorry Moorman).

This is basketball trying to be tough (notice the pushing and awkwardly landing punches)

NBA players, if you're only going to land one punch then make it one punch (or one punch)

Basketball is the lamest sport on earth. There I said it. Give these guys a wig, a horn, and a little makeup (not much needed) and they'll look like your typical clown. Just take a look at this recap video I embedded in this post.

This video has everything. It starts off with some intense pre-game talk. You know something good is about to happen. Frazier v. Ali? Federer v. Nadal? Yankees v. Red Sox? No. The rivalry people are going to be talking about for years to come is Hawks v. Heat. THE BATTLE OF THE H's FOR THE AGES BABY!!! (evoking Dick Vitale)

It's not long until the action picks up. OH NO!!! DWAYNE WADE AND JOSH SMITH COLLIDED!!!! CALL AN AMBULANCE!!!! I bet they'll have a couple boo-boos on their itty biddy heads. Wah Wah. Wade taken to thelocker room ... OH BUT THERE HE IS!! HE'S BACK! (This just in, Dwayne Wade has returned to the court after being told in the locker room by the trainer that if he doesn't get back out in the game, he's a pussy).
Such heroics to see Wade back after such a horrendous injury! Makes Bobby Baun's Game 6 Stanley Cup championship overtime goal (after he broke his ankle earlier in the game) pale in comparison. I'm sure this will be a performance they'll talk about for years.

Oh jeez, and there goes D-Wade and he just got tangled up with Soloman Jones. Uh oh, here comes some pushing. Better get some help there, they sure know how to push someone in the NBA (seriously guys, pushing is your only answer? The NBA's proudest moment has to be when Ron Artest went up and beat up some dude in the stands. You guys are gay, you can't fight, quit acting tough because you're not. Oh and it's kinda sad when your fight can be broken up by what appears to be a 75 year old man. Ya, real tough guys).

Anyways, let's continue. AHHH D-Wade just touched a guy when he tried to dunk! I hope that he's ok! Let's give that guy another shot at putting the ball in the hoop. Oh, there he goes, he got a free shot. YAY!!!! Happy!

1:04 - wow a dude dunked a ball. Better put it in a top ten list because you know, dunking a ball in the NBA is so tough when you're 7ft tall.

Let's speed this up, there's plenty left to go.

Next up, some dude falls and rolls his ankle and goes on to prove how tough the NBA is by shooting free throws. He is standing in fucking place, as in not needing to move at all or put any strain on that ankle of his. And I love how they're called "free throws" since they are basically a free point. If you're in the NBA, you should be good enough to make a basket standing still. The ease in this shot would be an extra point kick in the NFL, with no defense running at you, or a penalty shot in the NHL, with no goalie.

1:22 - BOOM!! What a slamma jamma! I'm sorry, but did he just slam dunk!?!?! (top ten anyone!!?!?!) So why the fuck does he get a free throw. Why should the foul matter if he made the point? The only reasoning I see would be to deter from people fouling/touching someone when they are trying to shoot, which basically makes my argument that basketball is the lamest thing in town.

1:37 HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH no he did not just do that. That is about the funniest thing I've seen in a long time. YOU MISSED A DUNK! And no one was even in that half of the court! To think that he's probably making more money this year then I'll make in the next 50 years...

I'm sorry, after that I cannot continue this rant. It's just too much shittiness. Mike, Kyle, please take over for me. I think I'm going to be sick.

Daily Clown: NBA and people who love it